


The Very Secret Diary of Castiel, Angel of the Lord

by FayJay



Series: Very Secret Diaries [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-04
Updated: 2009-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:58:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayJay/pseuds/FayJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Needless to say, this concept owes more than a little to Sue Townsend and to Cassandra Clare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Very Secret Diary of Castiel, Angel of the Lord

Day 8  
Everybody still very depressed about department being downsized. Lucifer's takeover bid was failure, but Lucifer evidently not disheartened. Rumours that he's setting up own company, promising better benefits package, opportunities for promotion, free will, free dental, under-floor central heating. Have ignored all promotional materials. Continue to trust in our Father's divine will.

Day 10  
Everyone watching _Eden_. All talk at the water-cooler is about Adam and Lilith, and whether their relationship is on the rocks. Gabriel thinks Adam should take charge and show Lilith what's what. Belial says Lilith should not stand for Adam's misogynistic behaviour. Very confusing. Eden very pretty. Not sure about purpose of horn on unicorn, or nipples on humans, but expect God has His reasons.

Day 12  
Lilith dumped Adam! Left Eden! Everyone agog, wondering what will happen next. Whole Humanity project looking decidedly iffy if species limited to one generation. Uriel delighted. Battle with Lucifer starting to seem a little pointless, if humans going to be gone in a few years. Rather miss Lucifer. Sorry he decided to be evil.

Day 16  
Wholly unexpected plot twist! God made new wife for Adam, out of random body part! New wife much more obliging and accommodating, and does not mutter grumpily about Adam's inability to find the clitoris with a map and a flashlight, the way Lilith used to. Belial says Eve is total pushover, and that _Eden_ has jumped the shark. Not sure why anyone would want to jump over a shark.

Day 18  
Belial gone to join Lucifer, muttering something about girl power. Still have not seen anyone trying to jump over sharks, dolphins or fish. As experiment, tried jumping over Leviathan. Took long time. Not sure what all fuss is about.

Day 30  
Eve putting on weight. Suspect it is all the fresh fruit. She seems very partial to apples.

Day 90  
Adam made uncomplimentary remarks about changes to Eve's figure. Said Lilith had been much cuter. Eve threw rock at him.

Day 130  
Chaos! Disaster! _Eden_ cancelled unexpectedly mid-season! After latest argument, Eve ate from forbidden tree, realised Adam not very good lover, got cross. Tried to make him eat fruit, but he said many uncomplimentary things about the size of her posterior and abdomen and threw fruit away. Eve had chat with serpent (oddly familiar looking...) and then went off and did something with grains and fats and a fire. Came back to Adam all pouty and apologetic, carrying round brownish object. Told him it was a pie. Adam ate pie, tasted of the fruit of the forbidden tree! Said it was delicious, and asked for more! God v. v. v. upset indeed. Much smiting, weeping, rending of hair and gnashing of teeth. Humans cast out onto mountain top! Begged for forgiveness, second chance, or at least some underwear to cover up their nakedness. God unmoved. Uriel found it all hilarious.

Day 131  
What is nakedness? And why should it be covered up?

Day 140  
Everyone now watching new season of _Earth_. General consensus that this is more exciting, even if the special effects aren't as good. No sign of unicorns, but birds of the air, fish of the sea and various beasts of the field seem plentiful. Much more drama and bloodshed than _Eden_, though. Also, less nakedness.

Day 278  
New human! New human arrived _out of Eve!_ And Eve's belly no longer resembles watermelon! Much astonishment all round. Uriel disgusted. Apparently key part of human design - _this_ is how future generations happen, not by tearing ribs out. Explains reason for all the thrusting and groaning and squishy noises, point of which had been subject of much discussion and long-running betting pool. (Suspect Uriel mostly cross because he had placed large bet on purpose of thrusting being to enable Adam to fall asleep, since he's usually snoring within seconds of completion.) New human called Cain. Wonder what his future holds?

Day 279  
Purpose of nipples now revealed! On women, at least. Purpose of nipples on men remains a mystery.

Day 612  
Another new human! Bless! Cain delighted!

Day 3,220  
Cain and Abel such nice brothers. Bicker often, but clearly love one another dearly. Abel always trailing after Cain, wide-eyed, adoring, copying everything he does. Adam has made it very clear to Cain that it is his job to protect Abel – lots of wolves and tigers and other such beasts wandering around. Cain always has an eye on Abel. Works so hard. Is good boy.

Day 10,400  
WTF??!!11! Shocking turn of events! God rejected Cain's offering of fruit and grains (God not vegetarian, likes roast meat best – also, fresh fruit still rather a sore spot) and accepted Abel's sacrifice of small fluffy animal. Cain furious. **Slew his brother! ** Awful! Tragic! Hope this is not setting precedent!

Day 63,840  
Battled demons

Day 72,917  
Battled demons. Visited highest mountains on earth. Walked through snow fields. Looked out over vistas no human has ever seen. Beautiful.

Day 170,000  
Do rather miss Heaven. Wonder how long our garrison will remain stationed on Earth. Wonder what God's plan is.

Day 372,949  
Battled demons

Day 739,250  
Uriel funny. Humans beautiful, and baffling. Sunsets lovely. Lucifer's minions working hard to corrupt human souls. Do not understand why he does this. Clearly still very angry with our Father. Humans shockingly fragile.

Day 760,804  
Battled demons. Hurt wing. Uriel saved me. Again. Regret not being a mightier warrior. Still, am as God wills me to be. Must be content. (May try to practice some of Uriel's ninja moves, though, in private.)

Day 832,935  
Battled demons. Watched caterpillar complete transformation in coccoon, wriggle free as brand new butterfly, slowly unfurl its wings for first time. Colors amazing. Whole organism delicate, brittle, wondrous creature. Tiny wings like flower petals. Marvel of Father's creativity and vision. Perfect. Think this may be what humans mean by love. Did not tell Uriel.

Day 832,936.  
Battled demons. Our garrison was successful! Great victories today! Later, saw the new butterfly get swallowed by bird. Tiny wings crumpled up, legs and antennae crushed into paste in its beak. Life cycle neccesary. All organisms need sustenance. Still felt odd sense of loss. Reminded self that this is God's plan.

Day 958,416  
Battled demons. Watched a mother teaching her child to walk, holding its fat little fingers, supporting it while it wobbled around and tried to stay upright. Very patient. Tender. Joyous.

Day 973,118  
Battled demons.

Day...lost count. somewhere around 4 billion. Perhaps should start over.  
Battled demons. Humans have invented new and terrible weapons of destruction. Again. Always new ways to kill greater and greater numbers of people. Always more blood seeping into the earth, hearts stuttering to stillness lost and alone, crying out for their mothers, crying out for their friends. Terrible. _Cannot_ understand humans. Want to, though.

January 24th, 1979  
Born this day in the city of Lawrence, Kansas, in the United States of America, to Mary and John Winchester, a son: Dean Winchester. He's going to be important, apparently. Very small and pink and helpless now.

January 25th, 1979  
Still don't understand why men have nipples. Life full of unanswered questions. Wonder what this child's future holds?

* * * 


End file.
